Keyboard: a device for entering mistakes into a computer.
My computer's sick...I think my modem is a carrier...
Nice computers don't go down.
Pity the man who told his boss he was going to church for a funeral but
went instead to the golf course and shot his first hole-in-one.
Not tonight, dear. I have a modem.
Oxymoron: computer security
Oxymoron: Large-scale Mini-computers.
Oxymoron: Personal Computer.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal
Just think, in a few million years Barney will be motor oil.
Is it illegal to run into a crowded fire and yell "Theater!"
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.
I lost a button hole.
I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign
below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the
boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over
what I considered to be a very odd number.
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a
while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
I spilled spot remover on my dog...now he's gone.
I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's
sure hard to fold.
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I thought
I'd put them in the same room and let them duke it out.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so
often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call
from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
Sponges grow in the ocean ... that kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
oceans would be if that didn't happen.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made a couple mistakes.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every
once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might
have written that."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they
can help me, and I say,' Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, ' Extra medium.'
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can
get me five.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the
beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it....
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we
walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen
to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was...
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can
ask him what he meant.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out."
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said,
"the whole time".
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one-it wasn't doing what I
was doing.
Yesterday I knew nothing,----Today I know that
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.